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    有一種教養,叫熟不逾矩

    1

      朋友小周跟我講了一件令他備感郁悶的事。

    前不久,他在老家的一位侄子剛從大學畢業,提出要借住在他家找工作。一開始,他很干脆地答應了,覺得大家都是親戚,能幫就幫。

    令他完全沒想到的是,原來的好心好意卻換來了大矛盾。而問題的根源就在于,他侄子從頭到尾就不把自己當外人看。

    因為要外出找工作,每天晚上,小周的愛人都會先煮好了飯,然后等侄子回來。結果常常是等了半天,侄子才姍姍來遲地打來電話,說自己有事不回來吃飯了。

    有一種教養,叫熟不逾矩

    不僅如此,房間他也從來不收拾,換洗的衣服都是直接丟在一旁,然后沒事就抱著手機埋頭玩游戲,好像理所當然就會有人替他整理一樣。

    有好幾次,小周看不過去了,試著委婉地和侄子提意見,可侄子的反應比他還激烈。對侄子來說,我把你當親叔叔看,才隨意了一點,你跟我計較這么多小事,明擺著是在找借口催我搬走。

    聽到這些理直氣壯的話,小周真是感覺自己有理說不清。

    那天聊到最后,小周無奈地嘆了口氣,問我:“難道因為是親戚,就連基本的禮貌和尊重都不需要有了嗎?”

    當然不是。人與人相處,無論親疏,以禮相待都是最基本的素養。如果只心安理得地享受對方施與的善意與幫助,卻完全不顧及別人的感受,那么很顯然,這不過是借熟人之名,行自私之實。

    有些時候,“太不把自己當外人”,實際上就是“太以自我為中心”。你對待他人的態度,決定了他人回應你的方式。長此以往,必定只會讓你的人際關系越來越差。

    2

    事實上,真正有教養的人,心里都標有屬于自己的人際關系尺度。而這個尺度,就是對分寸感和界限感的把握。

      張姐是我認識的一位職場前輩,擁有超級好人緣,不僅在生活中備受朋友的歡迎,工作中也深得領導和同事的認可,是圈子里公認的“人氣王”。

    與張姐相處是一件很舒服的事,因為她待人接物總是很有分寸,熱情卻不失周到。即使和熟識的人在一起,對于一些私人的話題,她也只會點到即止地提供一些自己的建議,不該說的不說,不該問的也從不多問。

    有一次,我和她一起參加聚餐。飯桌上,有人忽然提及一個過去的老同事,聽說他離了婚,又生了病。一時間大家眾說紛紜,把這個人的陳年舊事都議論了個遍,唯有張姐從頭到尾都不怎么發言,只淡淡地說了一句,如果不了解真實情況的話,還是不要對別人做太多評價。

    確實。不以熟識為借口而忽視分寸,是人際交往最基本的禮儀。

    熟不拘禮是一種隨性,但懂得熟而不越界、不逾矩,才是一種修養、一種智慧。

    無論什么樣的關系,要想維持好它,都離不開應有的界限感。這不單是為人處世必須遵循的原則,更是衡量一段關系能否走得長久的前提。所謂將心比心,方得真心,說的也正是這個道理。

    3

    細節見人品,處事顯教養。很多時候,對別人提出要求或做出評價都很容易,難的是換位思考,回過身來查看自己的言行。

    這也正是為什么,在生活中,我們經常會看到有一些人總是習慣拿一種理所當然的態度對待身邊的人,覺得大家都這么熟了,沒必要在乎太多細節,結果卻在無意間傷人又傷己。

    其實,越是親近的關系,越值得我們用心去維護和經營。特別在與熟人交流中,因為知根知底,更應該注意有所顧忌,避免隨意碰觸別人的隱私,也不要去揭別人的短處。

    《論語》中有一段話:“見齊衰者,雖狎必變。見冕者與瞽者,雖褻必以貌。”

    意思是說,見到服喪的人,即使是親近者,也必定要改變神色,表示同情;見到戴著禮帽的人和眼盲的人,即使是熟人,也要表示禮貌與友好。

    在我看來,這段話很形象地道出了教養的本質。因為一個人的教養,正是在于對他人的周到和體諒,而非以己度人。

    如果懂得換位思考,能夠想別人之所想,應別人之所急,并從中掌握人際關系的界限感,做到行為得當、不疏于禮,這樣的人自然也最容易獲得他人的尊重和認可。

    世事洞明者,不以世故待人。尊重身邊的每一個人,保持以禮相待,才能讓我們的人生之路越走越寬。


    來源:念念沐心(ID:nnsg1021) |? 作者:念念

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